Today I want to talk about something else than drawings ...
I want to talk about something that has plagued me since I can remember.
I've always been afraid to talk or discuss my options. Fear of making decisions in life when other people have taken them for you. The feeling of fear or phobia of shouting, insults and selfishness will emerge. I've seen people who make decisions regardless, without thinking of consequences or the process. And they get away with it....
I do not feel like an adult ... but as a grown child. I'm always demanded to be an adult, but when I try to, I'm criticize by telling me I'm wrong or they do not take me seriously.
I am a person who is afraid of the pain, cause I have always lived it....
There are many types of pain. Some are caused by cruel people who harm others by rape, them, abducting, torture, etc. These people are victims of the monster that is within us all.
My pain, is not caused with knives, penetration, beating, whipping, etc. No ..... I suffered rejection and the fear of living.
There was a time I thought it was all a fairy tale when being small. But even though sometimes I felt weird things ..... I never realized that my fantasy was a mask. There were many problems in my family caused by the mistakes of the brothers of my parents. Errors can be corrected, but the consequences will leave scars forever.
Growing up my body was not like everyone said it should be. I was judged. They laughed at me. They insulted me. They played awful jokes at me. Those who claimed to be my friends betrayed me. I did not understand why. I was just a child and did not understand the evil of the world, so I try to live with it.
Easier said than done. When I got hurt, I tired to fight back. But only it got me in trouble. I was seen as a little monster who attacked innocent children. I had a very few allies, but they only lasted a while. Even those were supposed to stop the bullying they didn't. Because it was kid stuff.
And when I spoke to my parents, they did tried to help... but had I saw they had bigger problems than mine. So I decided to not disturb them anymore.
When you suffer for a long time, you can not count the times you laughed with joy or felt appreciated. In my case they are very, very few. I turned my home into my sanctuary. I did not want to hang on with anyone. I had no friends. Even in the church I feel I can't have friends. For they are friends of my parents as well. I always have a image in front of them, because if something goes wrong, I pay it with lawsuits and arguments with my parents.
I'm isolated from the world. My only friend is my older sister. She is Always there for me. But .... She has her own life. I can not ask for help or go talk to her every time something bad happens. Sometimes I do .... But she gets angry for in frustration in trying to help me. Then I get angry cause I feel that she does not understand me.
I want to talk to my parents about all the conflicts within me. But how? There's a part of me that I can not share with them. which is? drawing.
Drawing is my passion. My dream.... It's to make books for little kids.
But I always draw things my parents dislike and I have to hide it and lie. And when I try to talk, I have fear that my father will react negatively, cause the stress he always has on his work projects. And when angry .... There are screams, fights and fear. I love my father with all my heart but ..... when angry I get scared of him. Not because beating, cause he has never hit me once... But his words ..... Are a dagger in the heart.
In recent months, my father and my older brother have been working to give us something precious we have lost. But there have been many problems and sometimes I lose hope.
It cost me a lot of work to have the chance of getting something that I had to give up for the good of the family. And although I finally got my parents permission.... It will take a long time to have it. And when I see a chance to get it, I get afraid of how they act.
Maybe I would not feel so as I do, if I didn't knew many people who achieve their wishes come true without even lifting a finger and consequences of a fight. My brother got something in secret and when my father found out, he was fascinated and my brother didn't got reprehend at all for hiding it. But when I found a chance of getting what I want the most by my own, and I share it with my dad .... He ignored me. We could it because it isn't something he is fascinated about.
And when I try to talk about it and fight for it..... They call me selfish. That Others have worse problems than I do and should not complain .... It makes me feel like a monster .....
Always .... Ive tried to do what others want and accept it cause it makes them happy .... But when I try to take my way to happiness .... There is a wall that stands in the way ... Even if it's something small .... I cannot reach it .... Since I can remember .... I've sacrificed a lot for others because I want them to be well .... But when it's something to make me feel happy ..... I can't.
And when I get angry .... I want to die .... I do not know if it's because I want to punish them or cause I'm tired of fighting .... But that will never happen. I do not even attempt to take my life cause it scares me to feel pain ..... And I'm afraid of what's after death...... I have made many mistakes and keep repeating them that.... I feel.... That not even God will accept me in heaven.
I cannot talk about these feelings that torment me .... So I write. I need help ..... I can not talk to someone in my home ...... I just want someone to read what I wrote and help me know what to do ..... I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life ... But I cannot change whether or not if it's true what people say about me ....
I'm selfish for feeling sad ... For wanting more to life ...?